the state of me

I'm ready to wake up now. Okay yes, I was out til 2 last night, didn't go to sleep til close to 3 and woke up at 7ish for an hour or so of my weird wide-awake thinking which is something that happens more often than not. But then I slept til 11, dealt with a snotty grocery delivery person, ate, puttered around a little and just couldn't stop myself from crawling back into bed and going back to sleep for an hour. Except it wasn't. I think it was three. I'm not even sure. Just now I made myself get up, open a Coke and try and function a little.

Right now even, my brain feels just a little dull.

I always want to get up and blog at 7 (or 6) AM but I don't because I feel like I should lie there and try and go back to sleep. In reality I am wide awake and mind-composing email I need to send, blogs I want to write, but I just lie there. Oh yeah, and there was one of the biggest pieces of construction equipment I have ever seen outside my window. I think they were picking up 50 by 50 yard pieces of the street, lifting them up verrrrrrry high in the air and then dropping them again. They are still doing it.

(Why is my stereo skipping? Argh.)

So here's what I was thinking at 7ish. About TBWLDFM and how I'm going into zen state with the whole thing. Sometimes I get so frenzied and impatient and I hate that because I want to try and control everything and make it all go a certain way (it's the writer in me, probably) but last night and this morning I just thought, relax. Chill out. Hell, I'm leaving on Wednesday for two weeks, then I'll be gone for a while in September. I hate how I feel like the flow of my Boston life gets interrupted. I really am most happy when my life is flowing along in Boston and I have a sort-of routine. But yeah, whatever. Sorry about the stream-of-consciousness paragraph here. If TBWLDFM can't see how friggin' awesome I am and the possibilities for fun the two of us can have (hey! get your mind out of the gutter!) then what can I do? I'm chillin'.

(Funny thing about that paragraph. My pride is showing. Probably it's a fear of rejection as much as a desire to relax and not stress so much that brings me to that conclusion.)

The other thing I was thinking at 7ish is how once I was in 7-11, I had checked out and I was perusing a People before I left. Suddenly, from behind this guy said close to my ear, you know you're beautiful, don't you? And another time I was waiting for a friend outside a building at my school and this guy, I'm pretty sure he is an undergrad at my old school, walked by me and said you're beautiful.

I don't know how to handle such remarks. Firstly, I always think these guys are playing a joke on me, like they've been dared to say it. Then I think, wow, if they mean it, wow. I mean beautiful. That's a lot different from, nice hair, or I like your shirt. You know? I know I have good hair and cool shirts. I don't know if I am beautiful. It's such a heavy word.

posted by Alissa @ 6:12 PM

Umm, ugh.

I went out on a date tonight with a Sigh. No, not as in, I sighed and went out with a guy. I mean, I went out with a guy who was a sigh personified. He seemed so defeated, like the climate-controlled, flourescently-lit environment he works in had made him just give up on joy and contentment life might possibly offer up. And that is so hard for me to be around. How can anyone our age (late twenties) already have given up?

Oh, and major faux-pas boys, don't mention an ex on the very first outing with someone you have purported to have interest in, especially in the context of something along the lines of, it was a big mistake for me to break up with her.

All I wanted to do was throw down my fork, say, then why the hell am I here if you're still pining for VALERIE in TORONTO? and walk out.

But I didn't and I got a free dinner and lunch tomorrow out of it. Whatever. Seriously, this guy was a giant whatever.

posted by Alissa @ 7:29 PM

Etoileone has a word of the day everyday. I don't. But I have a word for today. Prevaricate. I read it in this terribly embarassing book I am reading just now--a book that brings the word fluff to a new level. But you can't always read The Consolation of Philosophy by Boethius, can you? Anyway, prevaricate. Good word. I knew what it meant when I read it but it kept running through my brain last night as I was at my friend K's party. K's party was très fun. Our group was small but a great group. R, Tr, T, E, K, me and yes, TBWLDFM. I have this notion of walking right up to TBWLDFM and saying to him, "I can't play around anymore. Enough prevaricationon my part. I like you. I want to go out with you. I want to date you--to make it as clear as possible."

At this party we were at Long Beach for part of the day and it wasn't 1000 degrees like it was earlier this week so the water was pretty cold. But there was something wonderful and energizing about being it water that cold. I'd walk out until I was about up to my knees and the water would splash up against my thighs. It was awesome. But I did get cold and I didn't have a great guy to wrap his arms around me and pull me into his chest. It was so tempting, it would have been so easy to lean right into TBWLDFM, but I didn't because I feel like I would have weirded him out, made him uncomfortable. Ahhh well.

So yeah, prevaricate. I am prevaricating. Here's what dictionary.com says:

To shift or turn from one side to the other, from the direct course, or from truth; to speak with equivocation; to shuffle; to quibble; as, he prevaricates in his statement.

PS~I added my email address in the links section. Now you can write me and I'll know if someone's out there.

posted by Alissa @ 2:28 PM