the state of me

"I could not imagine going throught it again, and just as I'd done all my life, I searched and searched for a way to make it okay, make it bearable, for a way to do it. I lay awake all night on the train back to London. I realized then I had no obligation to improve my situation, that I could simply let it happen. By the time the train pulled into King's Cross Station I felt able to bear it yet again, not entirely sure what other choice I had."

--Lucy Grealy, on having another surgery, from Autobiography of a Face

posted by Alissa @ 8:30 PM

Irrelevent.

posted by Alissa @ 6:34 PM

By way of explanation~

The reason nothing beyond a casual acquaintance will ever happen between MM and me is not because he is twenty-two. I thought, after I posted last night, that it probably sounded like that to you, the reader. Yes, he is twenty-two and I am twenty-eight, an age difference yes, but it's not the same as when I was fourteen and he was eight, or when I was twenty and he was fourteen. The reason nothing will ever happen is that MM is involved, so involved he lives with the person he's involved with. And he smokes. I don't really have anything against smokers besides the smell that lingers on my clothes and hair after I've spent time with one. I don't understand how anyone, in this day and age can start smoking or continue smoking when we all know how bad it is for you. And kissing a smoker really is like kissing an ashtray. I also know from experience that you can't expect a smoker to quit for you.

There are a lot of male names that start with M. Mark, Michael, Matthew, Max, Marvin, Melvin, Mervin, Merle, Milton. Not that it's likely that the M in MM is Milton. Martin. Morgan. I guess more girls are named Morgan these days than boys. Morris. Maurice. Mo.

I'm going to try very, very hard to not write any more about MM because I refuse to think too much about the futility of the situation, but I'd like to say right here, right now, that when we were in my kitchen and I had three, possibly four glasses of white wine in me, I had the overwhelming urge to throw myself against him and kiss him. I'm glad I didn't have any more wine in me.

Oh yeah, last night when I published my latest entry suddenly all this stuff that I had added ages ago like the Foo Fighters to what I'm listening to and the place where you can sign up for email updates finally appeared. Crazy cool.

posted by Alissa @ 5:42 PM

Here's something true about me that will probably end up in one of my stories someday. When you read it you will know it was not made up, it is me. When I like someone, a boy, when I like a boy and he drinks out of one of my glasses or coffee mugs or maybe a water bottle, I like to use that cup or glass or water bottle. I wash it first. I just like to use it, put my lips where that boy's lips were. I did that with my blue coffee mug with K, I meant to save a water bottle the Most Repugnant Human Being On Earth used but left it someplace before I had the chance which I regretted deeply at the time but now gives me great relief, and Saturday night when MM was here in my apartment and wanted to drink ice water out of my green latte mug (which is something I can't personally stand, having to drink a cold beverage out of a mug but if other people want to, that's fine) I made a mental note to drink my coffee out of that mug on Sunday morning.

Then, as we stood in my little kitchen talking, MM and me, he refilled my ice tray for me. I know that it meant nothing, that it means nothing, but it meant something to me.

MM is twenty-two. That means if he turns twenty-three this year he was born in 1980. If he has already had a birthday, he was born in 1981. He is young.

Nothing, and I mean nothing will ever happen with MM.

posted by Alissa @ 10:31 PM