the state of me

I want to find a guy friend of mine to evaluate me and tell me what's wrong with me. A platonic guy friend like R or J, maybe even T (but I'd be way too embarrassed to ever ask him) to look at me, really look at me and tell me why I am great platonic friend material but not girlfriend material. I tell my female friends that I want someone to do this for me and they tell me I am being ridiculous, that there is nothing wrong with me. AM and AD even assure me that I will eventually meet someone and have a wonderful relationship. They sound so completely sure of themselves, like this is a fact they know but they can't possibly know it. No one can. They act like they've read the book of my life and they know it's coming along in chapter 23 but they don't know what it's like to be inside my skin, to feel so utterly desperate and lonely and out of sync with everything, to feel so unattractive--not ugly, necessarily, but unattractive as a romantic partner--to feel like I am trapped inside this body, scratching and pounding against the inside of my skin, trying so hard to get out, trying to blow this body up and let the other one, the real one come out and have my life.

I am 28. I am numb behind my eyes so I don't crack and fall apart.

posted by Alissa @ 9:47 PM