the state of me

I returned to Boston again on Saturday. It wasn't as gleeful a return as it was a few weeks ago. This time I came back from a week with my family and my beloved Welsh Terrier. I miss having a dog so much. I can't wait to own where I live and then I will have a dog. I like my family a lot. I wish they lived closer. But my friends came over Saturday night and we just played games and talked and listened to music. It was nice. I don't know why I am continually surprised people like me and I wish I didn't have the nagging thought that they only came over to see me because they feel sorry for me. Can we say "therapy?"

There are letters I need to write. One I want to write but I know it will be long and so far I haven't been ready to commit the time. Another I don't want to write. How do you write a letter to someone who has so radically changed from the last time you saw them, but that person thinks she is the same, and she thinks you are okay with all this changing but you are not? In fact, the more you think about it, the less you even want to talk to her or her fiance (you REALLY don't want to talk to him) but if you keep this up you will be seen as childish and petulant and jealous. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe she isn't writing to me either. Hard to tell when the letters are going back and forth between here and Cameroon.

When I was in Nashville JPC and I talked about how women change the way they act when they are around men, especially men who are their significant others. I know I've done it. When I was around the Most Repugnant Human Being on Earth (who will NOT STOP SENDING ME EMAIL AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM) I acted so differently AD told me she didn't like being around me when I was around him. At the time I was stunned, but now I know she was right. I did act differently around him. I bent over backwards for him. His mood dictated my mood and I would have done anything to make him happy. This isn't the way AD acts around P, she's not so obsequious as I was. But she's different and I don't like it. I simply don't like it.

posted by Alissa @ 4:06 PM